A lot of people are surprised when I say I go out to eat a lot. And I know — it is surprising — with such a svelte yet toned figure as mine it is shocking I indulge at all. And yet it is true — I do eat out a lot and yet I am likely the most handsome man in Auckland city. It’s a tough mantle — but somebody’s gotta do it!
So, without further ado, here is The Banker’s Guide to Lunch and Dinner in Auckland City (and further abroad). Think of it like the Metro Top 50, but written by an addled idiot at a keyboard who overindulges. I’ll write this once a year or so.
Best city bistro with atmosphere almost like La Côte Basque
Gilt
You never go to Gilt for the food, though the food is never bad. You do go to Gilt to get large bottles of port poured in front of you, or to sit at the bar and people watch. In this way it is like La Côte Basque, the late NY restaurant that served as a kind of temple to high society and the great and good in the 60s and 70s. Truman Capote famously had drink thrown in his face there by Ann Woodward. Perhaps if I continue to do activism at companies on the NZX someone will throw a drink in my face! If only I were so lucky. The prices at Gilt are stiff, but then again — you don’t go there for a value meal.
Best neighbourhood spot with food you will talk about
Lillian
Lillian is exactly the kind of restaurant I like. What I mean by this is that the tables are clustered together like mushrooms under a tree, and people clack across the floors to their tables where they pull apart bread from the oven — you’d be a fool not to order both the chicken liver parfait and the bread. The food is good without needing to be worshiped or adored from afar. It is there to be eaten. It is glossy while still being messy. You can huddle with your loved one and whisper to one another or you can debate politics with your rowdiest friends (if you must debate politics, at least make it interesting).
Best restaurant in which to discuss a conspiracy or plot (i.e. to overthrow Julias Cesar)
Soul Bar
This is a wildcard — you might think — surely somewhere discreet and tucked away? Think again, friends. Quite the opposite — everyone at Soul is loud and drunk and even if you were discussing your plans for the grassy knoll, or to overthrow Cesar, or whatever, nobody would hear you anyway. Also — the food is surprisingly consistent and quite good — it is Soul Bar (i.e. Real Housewives of Auckland central) — but you could do worse than a meal here. You could do much worse, actually.
Best restaurant in which to woo a member of the press after you have been caught by scandal
Hugo’s
Let’s say you are a politician. You need to woo a member of the press — some new scandal has come out, and now you are on the offense, but hold on a moment — you’ve gone rogue! You’ve got your own story to tell!
In which case, you could do worse than ordering a bottle of Chablis and a perfectly done pork chop or piece of venison while you spin your version of events to a seasoned journalist who happily quaffs down said Chablis.
You could also take a date here.
The olive oil semifreddo remains a standout.
Best restaurant in which to contemplate your own mortality
Wahlburgers
Have you ever been to Wahlburgers? There is a depressing piece of fake grass outside it, as if to say “come on in — we’re all sickos here!”
The chairs are a vile green shade that feel like an early 90s fever dream and the burgers make you reconsider your life choices. I am fairly sure they are the type of burger one would be served in limbo, or by someone that hates you. The burgers are listless; the lettuce appears to have been grown in some dank Dunedin student flat. Mark Wahlbrug, presumably, hates burgers.
Best Wellington restaurant to over-order at
Margot
Margot is small and sweet and eminently charming. Don’t over-order like I did. Do get the cauliflower steak. Do get the bread. Bring someone you love, look into their eyes, remember that there are some beautiful fleeting moments in life.
Best Restaurant that is not possible to go to anymore
Multiple contenders for this — I miss Fleur’s Place in Moeraki, where I once ate a disgusting muttonbird. I miss Fleur’s rakish attitude and her startlingly white hair, and I miss the sea air of Moeraki outside her place, and the containers that served as de-facto walk-ins.
I also miss the Four Seasons in NY, which I never went to (I am exceedingly pretentious). Like Gilt, the Four Seasons wasn’t about the food, but being seen. I would love to time travel to the 70s and do this! I would love to dine with Diana Vreeland! But alas. I am stuck here in the year 2024 and my spaceship is still broken.
No, I don’t miss SPQR.
Yes, I do miss Antoine’s, who doesn’t?
Best restaurant in which the unexpected can happen (and all for a very reasonable price)
O-Bar
You can buy the half-and-half chicken for the price of a bucket of KFC (or less). And then the unexpected might happen. You are outside. You are eating chicken. You are stuffing that chicken into your mouth. You never know what will happen next — that is the beauty of it — you may find yourself in a time-slip and end up in 1600s Scotland, or you might find yourself living in a shotgun shack, and you may find yourself in another part of the world, and you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile, and you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife and you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”
This is also likely the cheapest restaurant mentioned in the list. Bring your rich banker friends here and shock them with the food of the common people.
Honourable mentions — The Don; The Gypsy Tea Room; Denny’s.
Source post: Blackbull Research - Substack